Journal Entry: Thu Jan 10, 2013, 11:31 AM
With each day that goes by I realize more and more about myself...
About a week or so ago I broke off the engagement with the man I believed I would live the rest of my life with.
Why? Simple actually. I wasn't ready for that kind of commitment. I wasn't happy with the decision. I knew from actions over the past two months I was not ready for the kind of commitment that he wanted which inclined me to break off from him. Abrupt and unexpected on his half the anger that erupted has proven to me I made the right choice. Though I understand the anger, all too well, the reaction and attitude towards myself and others has shown me that I was about to be with a very scary man that honestly at some point would of hurt if I had done anything to hurt him as much as I did recently.
But, that is life and how the story goes for many, and I honestly regret nothing of the decision, though I do hate the pain I have put him through.
Then again I am happy now...
The past week and a half I have been spending most all of my time with another man who in all reality I cannot comprehend as a real human being. I say this because I have not had the experience of laying with someone in silence and feeling completely at peace. Usually I start to worry, thinking I say the wrong thing or that they have become bored with me or any multitude of stupid worrisome thoughts that pass through my mind on a too much constant basis. Yet, here I am, willing to spend almost every second of the day with this one person where both of us are generally always need some space from people and to be alone etc. etc. This is a ramble what can I say.
Going into some unneeded information that I will disclose because I honestly cannot wrap my head around it still. I cried after sex last night. Yes, that blunt. This has never happened to me before and I really am still in shock that it happened.. There was no reason for it. I have cried because of being hurt or other random reasons that actually make sense to me to drop into a fit of tears for a good half hour but this, this has never happened. They were part sad tears part joy. The concept of reality had left my mind and I didn't feel the existence of anything but him around me. This has been true for a while now where the idea of reality really hasn't been comprehensible to me for a while now. I don't always know what is real and what is just a dream from the night before because everything is blending together.
And I think that is why I cried.. Because for once in a long while I felt something. Each day for me is basically a mask of emotions I place upon myself pretending to be perfectly fine when in reality the turmoil of feeling empty and emotionless constantly haunts me. I force myself to feel when I wouldn't have before. Each day a ruse of what really happens within my mind.
Truth; The emotions I have are that of fear, sadness, anger, and desire. A constant manipulation of my mind to force down my past and the memories of what has happened to be able to plaster on a smile and say "I am happy." In reality I am not. In reality I am never truly at that peak of happiness, bliss, or content. I have moments, yes, where when I surround myself by others and keep pushing myself to enter each day with work and school I can pretend that the voices and thoughts don't exist. It's not until I am alone in my own mind that I remember. That I relive and fall into that dark part of my mind. Am I running, yes. Because I am sadly that person that rather deal with my problems on my own and allow to be the one to help everyone else before myself. Is this a good thing, oh hell no. Instead I know that slowly I am falling apart within my own mind and will possibly one day crack and lose it all. But I keep pushing because I am stubborn and refuse to believe that I can't handle it. I want to be that strong, even though I know I am actually a selfish being that only thinks of herself. And I hate that. I hate being this way, why I will continue to be as selfless as possible and be there for everyone else. Not that I always succeed and those moments I except because I know I cannot make everyone happy. There are going to be days when I hurt people, when I do something that is unforgivable, and I know won't be changeable because of the actions and thoughts I have done. That is life, and I have excepted that. I know that without sadness there is no happiness because with everything there must me balance. Without balance how could we all live. The darkness comes with light and vise versa. You all know this already though.
The perception of reality in my mind scares me at times.. Probably more so than others and less so than many. I have moments though out the day where I constantly don't know what is real and if something is just my perception of a mind game within myself, or if it actually occurred. One reason I don't smoke pot or indulge in mind altering drugs because I already have a very thin grasp on reality that anything to cause me to lose that little bit of sanity scares me. I have tried pot and honestly don't like how it makes me feel, so this is my opinion based on already experiencing the substance. Not the point of this though, so I digress.
I believe that was scares me the most though is the idea that when I wake up I will be back where I was four years ago. Four years.. Honestly is a dream now to me, but reality that I was indeed in a place of manipulation, pain, and abuse. The days were sleepless, painful, and at one point a day I almost took my life. Now, this is not a "please give me pity" journal. I truly am just getting my thoughts wrapped around some thoughts that I have come to terms with that I wasn't able to face for quite a while. I actually do not regret going though the experience of being hurt as badly as I was. I regret not doing anything and only protecting myself. Because as of now I know that he is still out there hurting others and I have no power to do anything about it. Why? Because I am selfish and cared more about getting out than protecting others from what he is capable of. Know at this moment that is with another woman, inflicting the same pain and sorrow he caused not only to me but others breaks me. Because I was too scared to speak. I was too scared to do anything because I didn't want my parents to know just how bad it was. I let them believe it was just mental abuse because I wanted them to spend all their energy on helping my brother and the depression he was going through. I cared more about making sure everyone thought I was okay then excepting I wasn't. Then when I say I wasn't okay and went for help, I would abandon the help because I couldn't face the past and who I really am. I didn't want to be helpless. I don't want to seem as broken as I know I am.
Yet I am. I am just that broken. I dwell in the memories somedays more than others. Tell people my story with no emotion not to seem better but because I don't want anyone to think I am weak. I'm always trying to prove to others that I am this strong human that can't be damaged ever again, that nothing anyone does can break me any more than I have been broken. Which, in truth, is fact because I feel nothing now.
Not true, I do feel. The emotional plane for me is just limited to only certain strict emotions that I plaster onto my face and let everyone believe I feel so much more than I do. Why I don't believe last night was real even though it was. Because last night I felt again. I've cried, and laughed, and all that jazz but what I felt last night was life. I felt alive again. Something I have been striving to feel for four years now. People have brought me up from the darkness of my mind where I am not as lost as I used to be. I have become more human than before but alive... I have not felt so alive as I did last night. Embarrassed as hell though because dear lord! Crying?! AFTER SEX. GOD FUCKING DAMNIT. It still is surreal for me to believe that it happened. Even more so that I woke up to the beginning of the sunrise with the crescent moon dimly glowing within the bright colors of the beginning day.
That moment, of looking over and seeing him still there, next to me asleep, as I see this beautiful morning light with the last of the night in the skies; Peace. I obtained peace for a split moment, and cherish every little bit that came from that moment.
Listening to: Doors opening and closing on my dorm floor haha